2025 - Week 6

🏈Week 5 Recap

I’d love to say I survived the first week of “the gauntlet,” but let’s be real, it was just Tido. Beating his sorry, pro-Michigan-loving squad was less a challenge and more a moral obligation. Losing to Tido? That’d be like losing to the Browns… or worse, tying the Cowboys. Could you imagine?

Meanwhile, the NFL continues its proud tradition of finger-related scandals. This might be the biggest one in the league since Urban slipped one into that girls tuchas 4 years ago.

This week’s episode stars Jerry Jones, who got slapped with a $250K fine for what he claims was an “accidental” finger slip and instead meant to be a thumbs up. Sure, Jerry. We’ll just chalk that up to being 82 and trading away Micah Parsons. Mental state: questionable. Y’all be the judge.

🔮Week 6 Preview

Sharukh, I hope your team’s ready for the smoke, because I’m rolling in undefeated and statistically superior. How statistically superior you ask? How about 0 losses AND 0.76 points ahead. Imagine having under 575 points after five weeks. Lol, imagine have under 575 points after 5 weeks of fantasy.

Elsewhere, someone call the medic for Jason vs. David. It’s #1 vs. #10, but if you close your right eye and squint real hard… they’re both #1. In spirit. Maybe.

Don't forget the return of the Illibuck this week! First time making it's appearance since 2017!

📊Stats n' Stuff

So You Think You Can Dong?

Bret said he needed an explanation for this every week. I'm too lazy for that, so instead I'll summarize it for him.

He’s either a lineup genius or riding a wave of dumb luck. If you played every team every week, his aggregate lineup strength would’ve earned him 4 extra wins. (Yes, Bret, “aggregate” is a real word. That blue link takes you to Merriam-Webster. You’re welcome.)

But thanks to brutal scheduling, those gains haven’t translated. His 27-18 theoretical record is a crisp 60% win rate; way better than his actual 2-3 reality (40%). Tough break.