2025 - Week 17 (Championship)

🏈Week 16 Recap

Merry Dongmas and happy holidongdays to all! Santa himself delivered a special message to our beloved Sacko, David and then took him for a ride on a sleigh powered entirely by Sacko trophies. Truly the spirit of the season.

Jason lost a close one to Tido in a poetic homage to their 2023 championship duel. McCaffrey tried everything short of strapping Jason’s team to his back like a sack of presents, but Tido’s manage‑a‑trois with Gibbs and Cook was simply too much to overcome. Jason’s bench contributed a mighty 12 points, clearly already prepping for next season’s rebuild.

And then there’s Bret, oh, Bret. The man who spent all season lamenting his cursed matchups, despite being one of the highest‑scoring teams in the league, chose the biggest moment of the year to deliver his season‑low 68 points. This might go down as an all‑time choke job, his worst performance since Week 4 of 2023. Clearly Bret and his cuck chair fetish landed himself on Santa’s naughty list, because the only thing in his stocking last week was a big, lumpy pile of fantasy coal.

🔮Week 17 Preview

And here we are. After drafting 137 days ago, we’ve made it, or rather, Sharukh and Tido have made it, to the grand finale. The chongus chalupa. The mighty match. The schmeckle showdown. All the marbles, all the glory, and not a single Dong in sight.

Congrats to both for reaching this point. This is Tido’s second championship appearance in three years, and Sharukh is back for a second straight shot at immortality, with a chance to become the league’s first‑ever back‑to‑back champion.

Sharukh shredded Bret in the semifinals with a league‑record 177.98 points, surpassing Adam’s previous mark of 177.2. His performance spooked Tido, err, I mean my anonymous insider source, so thoroughly that I’ve already been instructed to crown Sharukh the champion before kickoff. But as every Christmas movie teaches us, miracles happen… even for Tido.

’Twas the Night Before Championship

’Twas the night before Championship, when all through the league, Not a manager was stirring — not even fatigued. The lineups were set by the chimney with care, In hopes that a Dongmas miracle soon would be there.

The Sacko was nestled all snug in its bed, While visions of David danced round in its head. And Tido in his hoodie, and Sharukh in his cap, Prepared for a showdown, no time for a nap.

When out on the chat there arose such a clatter, Bret sprang from his cuck chair to see what was the matter. Away to the standings he flew like a flash, Only to see his season end in a crash.

The moon on the breast of the new‑fallen snow Gave the luster of midseason points he’ll never know. When what to our wondering eyes should appear, But two playoff titans, with no hint of fear.

With Tido’s bold kicker and Sharukh’s scoring might, We knew in a moment this would be a fight. More rapid than Gibbs, their projections they came, And the commissioner whistled and called them by name:

“Now Tido! Now Sharukh! Now McCaffrey and Cook! On Gibbs! On Dicker! On every last look! To the top of the standings! To the top of them all! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away, y’all!”

As points that before the wild matchups fly, When they meet with a bye week, mount to the sky, So up to the leaderboard the contenders they flew, With a sleigh full of hopes — and a Dongmas wish too.

And then, in a twinkling, we heard on the chat The pinging and dinging of managers’ spat. As we drew in our heads and were turning around, Down the chimney came updates — projections unbound.

Tido was dressed in pure chaos and flair, While Sharukh’s squad shimmered with holiday air. Their players all sparkled, each stat shining bright, And both teams looked ready for one final fight.

The commissioner spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, Tracking every last point like a fantasy clerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, He gave a quick nod — let the championship close.

He sprang to his keyboard, to the league gave a whistle, And away flew the chat like a fired‑up missile. But we heard him exclaim, ’ere he logged out that night —

“Happy Dongmas to all, and to all a good fight!”